Lonely Road

I've had a lot of time to think on my journeys throughout the planes, and I think I'm starting to figure out this whole heroing thing. At first I figured it would get easier with time, that things would become simpler as my power grew. But now, Mystra knows how many years later, here I am. A chosen one of my Goddess, having been imbued with the essence of a red dragon, a knight of various realms, archmage, and so forth.

But the personal struggles, the will power to stick to the path, that never gets any easier no matter how much momentum there is driving you on like a runaway team of horses. And the words from others cut more deeply now than ever before. I used to go to aid in battles for realms I'd never been to, to lead men to fight and die against foes I scarcely knew. Now I often find I only find reason to battle when my friends are threatened.

And in doing so I've gained a worse reputation than I ever had before. I've saved countless thousands, but one bit of bad advice, one misjudgement of a person, or one failed attempt to save everything as if I were Mystra herself, and all of that comes crumbling to dust. To my accusers I have become a meddler, a stubborn fool obsessed with my own image or my supposedly misguided ideas of virtue and justice.

I try to brush it off as if it dosn't hurt. The Harpers practically take meddlers as their second official title, and any true hero is accused of meddling in things that do not concern them. I can take that from evil doers like Valkryn, it's actually part of their proper speech as I've come to realize, but from people who's opinions I care about...

I've nearly fallen in the past days. Alais is ignoring my every attempt to help her as if I were too inept to be of any use. Never once has she even thanked me for my efforts, never once has she acted as though I was doing anything but interfering. Perhaps it was selfish to think to use the artifact I'm gathering simply for the benefit of a friend, perhaps her path will always lead her to Navere. But she dosn't want my help, and so our paths must diverge.

Hopefully I'll be rid of Valkryn's meddling along with her. That prospect dosn't dull the pain though. Especially since it always brought me such fits of giggling when I made him shake his head in utter disdain for all that I represent. Ah, if I could but have recorded that image in a crystal so I might play it whenever I feel sad, which is often lately.

Marquie as well has turned from me, and now I finally feel as though I can try to explain some of the pain that came from that. She was angry with me because I didn't accept Zodiac. I found him to be creepy because he's far older than her, and though I won't bring it up she'll outlive him by nearly a millennium. And of course theres the fact that he's shoving her into bearing his children and marrying him and becoming part of his royal house, all as she just barely is becoming an adult.

I couldn't help but be saddened when she told me she was pregnant. Had this new shock come later, had they waited, I might have accepted it. When I showed my discouragement verbally, without even trying to kill Zodiac as I wanted to, she fled from me. Because for once I had been disappointed by her actions, because for once I didn't approve. She isn't coming back, and wants nothing to do with me. She has Zodiac now, and she's all grown up, older than me most likely. She'll no longer have time for a meddlesome brat mage. The betrayal, the abandonment, that hurts terribly, and seems to be a common theme lately. I'll let her go like all the others, though it pains my heart to do so, because I know she's still my sister and I can't stop loving her.

Siona and R have both lost all interest in me as they found other males, in Siona's case quite a few. I broke my ties with Siona already because we would be on different sides of the battle to help Alais. I cut away one of the few anchors I had to this world in order that I might do the right thing and not aid my enemies. Hell of a lot of good that did.

But I begin to realize now that, though I regret the way things have turned out, I couldn't have done it differently. Could I have been so heartless as to ignore Alais' plight and not attempt to help her? I doubt it. Would I feel like a man, or even a person at all if I hadnt spoken out against Marquie's romance with such an untrustworthy braggart? I'd have thrown myself from a bridge the first time he hurt her. And had I not forsaken Siona every ill that befalls Alais would have my tacit approval and be upon my head. The momentum is pushing me forward, but it's my own heart that guides me, my conscience that I can't deny. There will be other battles, other interferences, and these missteps will not once give me a second thought before I charge into battle in defense of innocents or friends.

I am, after all, a stubborn meddler.